Lyons Mirror-Sun
December 27, 2007
David Friedli
The Year in Revue
January: A record 682 people file to run as candidates for “the highest office in the land”. All but 23 drop out when they realize they are running for President of the United States, not for the chairman of the Disney Corporation. The candidates pledge a series of debates to clarify the issues. All agree not to use negative campaigning.
February: Archeologists in the Middle East claim they have found the tomb of Jesus. As suspected, it was empty.
March: Near blizzard conditions shut down most of Nebraska, except the Girls State Basketball Tournament. Numerous teams take extreme risks, including driving on closed roads, to get to the games, which are attended by a total of 17 fans. Presidential candidates defend the use of the playground sing-song chat of “neener, neener, neener” as not negative.
April: Ignoring rising gas prices, thousands of Americans wait in line for hours at U.S. Post Offices to meet the midnight tax filing deadline. Unbeknownst to late-filing taxpayers, the long lines cause massive traffic jams and the spike in fuel consumption limits the Postal Service’s ability to transport the tons of 1040 forms, which don’t arrive in Ogden, UT until July 23.
May: Hundreds of thousands of students experience their last day of school for the year and celebrate with class picnics and water balloon fights. The following day, they sleep until noon. The next day they are up at 6:00 AM watching the Cartoon Network. By mid-afternoon, mom is tired of, “I’m bored. There is nothing to do.”
June: A bunch of people got
married, and are now either living happily ever after or sincerely regretting
ever taking the advice of that friend of theirs and going on a first date.
The key argument in many pending divorce cases is whether that insect he killed
was one of those Asian beetles or a real lady bug.
July: Presidential candidates use the internet website YouTube to
broadcast a debate which features questions from those who are watching
on-line. Candidates realize the real power of the internet when many questions
are actually Google searches for porn sites. A massive paper-shredding event is
held in Ogden, UT on the 24th.
August: A new water tower is
completed in Lyons, Nebraska that will provide residents with improved water
pressure and supply. The old tower is removed and reassembled as a giant jungle
gym and barbeque grill in the backyard of Mayor Andy Fuston’s home.
September: Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers files suit against God,
asking a court to order the Almighty and his followers to stop making terrorist
threats. Inexplicably, the Missouri
River turns red, locusts invade the Millard neighborhood of Omaha and a traffic
jam on Interstate 80 near the Sapp Brothers Truck Stop is caused by the
appearance of millions of frogs.
October: Steve Pederson is fired
from his post as athletic director at the University of Nebraska. The
collective sigh of relief creates a spike in electric wind generation for
Lincoln Electric Service, which two days later announces because of the event,
all homeowners will have free electricity for a year. Former coach Tom Osborne
is named as Interim Athletic Director for NU, and legal officials believe there
is a good chance TO is the object of Ernie Chamber’s lawsuit.
November: Hundreds of thousands of Americans
stop to give thanks that the Presidential election is only one year away, after
which stations can return to their regularly scheduled programming. The latest
Republican debate is hosted on red Etch-a-Sketch toys.
December: A top-selling t-shirt at
Nebraska Bookstore is “BO, BO, BO, Merry Christmas” as the Husker Nation
celebrates the hiring of Bo Pelini as head football coach. All is calm, all is
bright. Peace on Earth, good will toward men. The final candidate debate of the
year is held using slate boards and chalk. Candidates can only use one-word
answers. Most misspell their answers.
Auld Lang Syne.