David Friedli

By the Dashboard Lights

August 21, 2008

Irrefutable Rules

These are the Irrefutable Rules of Golf. Don’t question them. Don’t deny their existence. These rules govern the game of golf. Learn them well, because they influence the outcome of every shot and impact the outcome of every round.

Rule 1: You can buy your way to better golf. If your game is poor, simply spend money on a new driver, a new putter, a new wedge or new golf balls. If buying equipment to put in your bag doesn’t help your game, then buy a new bag. Or shoes. Or a shirt. If you don’t play better, you can at least look the part.

Rule 2: Golf balls do matter. You can buy a dozen Top Flite golf balls at WalMart for $10, but your hands and arms will swear you are hitting a frozen rock with a solid steel pole, and the end result will be very similar.

Rule 2 Corollary: If you can’t tell the difference between an 80-cent Ultra and a 4-dollar Titleist ProV1x, then you’ll never be a good golfer anyway. Take up tennis.

Rule 3: Foundlings become lostlings. Foundlings are balls discovered in creeks and ponds within the boundaries of the course and in the soybean and cornfields bordering the fairways. Any ball found will soon be lost. Once lost by one golfer, a found ball’s total existence is to become lost again. It just works that way.

Rule 3 Corollary: You can mark you golf ball with your initials to identify it, but if you lose lots of balls, people will eventually figure out you are a poor golfer.

Rule 4: If a ball is lost, it is worth looking for. If, after looking for your own lost ball, you find two other balls of better quality than the one lost, it is time to stop looking for your own ball.

Rule 4 Corollary: If there is no one following you, it’s ok to keep looking for your missing golf ball as long as you are turning lostlings into foundlings. Once your bag is so full of foundlings you can no longer lift it, it is time to stop.

Rule 5: A good shot is most often followed by a bad shot.

Rule 5 Corollary: A great shot will invariably be followed by the poorest shot ever. That shot will probably include losing a $4 ProV1x.

Rule 6: If you are having a great round of golf, there will be numerous commitments keeping you from playing another nine holes.

Rule 7: Your enjoyment of golf will increase if you are neither the best nor the worst golfer in your foursome.

Rule 8: If watching golf on TV makes no sense to you, you will never be a good golfer.

Rule 9: No one can teach you to play golf. You learn to play golf through trial and error. The more errors you make, the more you need to spend on equipment. (See Rule 1.)

Rule 10: Winter is the best time for golf improvement, because you never hit a bad shot.